One with Teeth, two without
May 1st 2008 19:03
This might be the shortest time between posts I've ever had, but it's hard to keep this one to myself 'til next week.
After all, it's not every week I see a movie about a vagina with
Teeth (7/10)
Where to begin? Well, there's this girl, Dawn (Jess Weixler, in a ballsy (?) performance)...and she has teeth in a weird place (she has 'em in the normal place, too...the movie's not that weird). So, anyway, it could be because of a nuclear power plant that's shown looming in the background of her house a few times, but it doesn't really matter. Apparently, they've been there all along, as related by a humorous flashback to a game of you-show-me-yours-i'll-show-y ou-mine with her prospective stepbrother. As the years go by and our girl grows into a chaste, abstinence-advocating young lady, it turns out she (presumably) was too young to remember the incident (or her condition) until a similar and bloodier event occurs. As the story progresses, her ailing mother, a sneaky suitor, and the stepbrother mentioned earlier (played as a young man by the son from Nip/Tuck) all play integral roles in Dawn's development. I've read complaints elsewhere of the film's "man-hating", and, while I wouldn't dismiss that (the male characters are almost all d-ckheads at the very least), I also don't really think a movie about a girl with this abnormality would be quite as interesting if everyone who encountered her was a saint. The biggest problem I had (aside from queasiness at all the weiner-gore) was with the tone of the film...it's all over the place: dark comedy, horror, revenge film, camp. A few scenes set the film up as though it takes place in a John Waters or Brady Bunch-era white-picket fence suburb, but why? It adds zero to the story or experience, and is frankly distracting. Also, Teeth does have a few laughs, but the painful depictions of tooth-on-d-ck violence, not to mention just flat-out sexual violence make it a bit hard to...umm, swallow the comedy. Still, it's an interesting movie, and one that I couldn't take my eyes off of (and not just because I couldn't cover them fast enough). And does Dawn blossom into some sort of sexual avenger?
Was the whole movie really an origin story for the weirdest superhero ever? If that's the case, I'm on board.
After Teeth, I needed to clear my head of the scary vagina girl...I call this meeting of the Laura Ramsey Appreciation Society to order!
But why is it that pretty girls make so many crappy movies? Exhibit A: Cruel World (2/10).
An extremely puffy Edward Furlong plays a castoff from a Bachelorette-type "reality" show. He never got over it, or over the girl (played by Jamie Pressley) who dumped him on air, so he...wait for it...gets his revenge on her, then takes over her house for a reality show that he has managed to cast in his spare time. Luckily, producers of the original show had given Ms. Pressley's character the house with the understanding that it'd be outfitted with cameras, Big Brother-style. She, of course, agreed. What the f-ck?! So, now that the house is freshly stocked with victims, and the ridiculous premise is set up, Furlong's character actually devises Survivor-esque challenges for the "contestants," one of whom is played by Ms. Ramsey. Somewhere along the line, their host gets his crazy, much more physically intimidating brother in on the action. If any of this sounds remotely interesting, it isn't, and Laura's considerable charms as lead bikini-filler can't save it.
She doesn't have any more luck with Venom (2/10),
even with its bigger budget and the added draw of Bijou Phillips looking trashier than most movies ask her to. This one takes place in Lousiana, concerning voodoo mumbo jumbo and crappy-looking CGI snakes that make a truck driver want to kill people for some reason...ah f-ck it...you know what? Two-word review:
Sh-t sandwich.
After all, it's not every week I see a movie about a vagina with
Teeth (7/10)
Where to begin? Well, there's this girl, Dawn (Jess Weixler, in a ballsy (?) performance)...and she has teeth in a weird place (she has 'em in the normal place, too...the movie's not that weird). So, anyway, it could be because of a nuclear power plant that's shown looming in the background of her house a few times, but it doesn't really matter. Apparently, they've been there all along, as related by a humorous flashback to a game of you-show-me-yours-i'll-show-y ou-mine with her prospective stepbrother. As the years go by and our girl grows into a chaste, abstinence-advocating young lady, it turns out she (presumably) was too young to remember the incident (or her condition) until a similar and bloodier event occurs. As the story progresses, her ailing mother, a sneaky suitor, and the stepbrother mentioned earlier (played as a young man by the son from Nip/Tuck) all play integral roles in Dawn's development. I've read complaints elsewhere of the film's "man-hating", and, while I wouldn't dismiss that (the male characters are almost all d-ckheads at the very least), I also don't really think a movie about a girl with this abnormality would be quite as interesting if everyone who encountered her was a saint. The biggest problem I had (aside from queasiness at all the weiner-gore) was with the tone of the film...it's all over the place: dark comedy, horror, revenge film, camp. A few scenes set the film up as though it takes place in a John Waters or Brady Bunch-era white-picket fence suburb, but why? It adds zero to the story or experience, and is frankly distracting. Also, Teeth does have a few laughs, but the painful depictions of tooth-on-d-ck violence, not to mention just flat-out sexual violence make it a bit hard to...umm, swallow the comedy. Still, it's an interesting movie, and one that I couldn't take my eyes off of (and not just because I couldn't cover them fast enough). And does Dawn blossom into some sort of sexual avenger?
Was the whole movie really an origin story for the weirdest superhero ever? If that's the case, I'm on board.
After Teeth, I needed to clear my head of the scary vagina girl...I call this meeting of the Laura Ramsey Appreciation Society to order!
But why is it that pretty girls make so many crappy movies? Exhibit A: Cruel World (2/10).
An extremely puffy Edward Furlong plays a castoff from a Bachelorette-type "reality" show. He never got over it, or over the girl (played by Jamie Pressley) who dumped him on air, so he...wait for it...gets his revenge on her, then takes over her house for a reality show that he has managed to cast in his spare time. Luckily, producers of the original show had given Ms. Pressley's character the house with the understanding that it'd be outfitted with cameras, Big Brother-style. She, of course, agreed. What the f-ck?! So, now that the house is freshly stocked with victims, and the ridiculous premise is set up, Furlong's character actually devises Survivor-esque challenges for the "contestants," one of whom is played by Ms. Ramsey. Somewhere along the line, their host gets his crazy, much more physically intimidating brother in on the action. If any of this sounds remotely interesting, it isn't, and Laura's considerable charms as lead bikini-filler can't save it.
She doesn't have any more luck with Venom (2/10),
even with its bigger budget and the added draw of Bijou Phillips looking trashier than most movies ask her to. This one takes place in Lousiana, concerning voodoo mumbo jumbo and crappy-looking CGI snakes that make a truck driver want to kill people for some reason...ah f-ck it...you know what? Two-word review:
Sh-t sandwich.
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Horrorphile